T.C. Folkpunk

Having a toddler has increased my (over)exposure to the world of Winnie The Pooh. I tried my best to tune it out whenever our little guy was "bingeing on the bear", but after being repeatedly subjected to the videos and books, I began to notice a few subtle personality traits in the main characters, and I think I may have uncovered some dirt by reading between the lines. I'm sure the folks at D*sney have done their best to maintain the coverup, but I love a good conspiracy, and I think this one's massive.

First off, I've determined that Winnie the Pooh himself is an alcoholic. He talks about "honey" the same way other alcoholics refer to their "medicine". I don't think he drinks just anything though, I'm pretty sure he's hooked on mead. Those "pots of honey" he has stashed in his closet haven't been sitting there because he forgot about them as he claims (although memory loss is certainly a side effect of his condition). No sir, that honey is fermenting. And the "rumbly" in his "tumbly" is actually his liver acting up.

Next we have Eeyore. Research has led me to conclude that the manic depressive donkey was at one time destined to take the spotlight in his own star vehicle, but on the eve of his leap into the Very Big Time, he was involved in some sort of Fatty Arbuckle type sex scandal. To their credit, the D*sney Corporation kept him on, but under the condition that he remain a support player, thereby dashing any hopes Eeyore had of taking his career to the next level. His resentment is turned inward, resulting in his pathological self-loathing.

And then there's Piglet. Skittish, nervous, afraid of his own shadow. I'm guessing that he may have been on the receiving end of whatever Eeyore got up to.

Owl is nowhere to be found in our collection of videos and books. He's not even mentioned by the other characters in his absence, as if he never existed. However, after placing a few phone calls, I have reason to believe he left D*sney, signed with Warners, and is currently reading some scripts in the hopes of having a new product on the screens by next summer.

Rabbit is a Scientologist.

Tigger's persona is characterized by an overabundance of energy, and the inability to stop talking. Since he sounds like he has a stuffy nose and the timbre of his voice also has a ring of deviated septum, the obvious conclusion is that Tigger is a coke head. Rumours abound that he prefers to snort the stuff off of Kanga's derriere.

The D*sney corporation carries a lot of political clout, and as a result they're able to convince certain law enforcement authorities to look the other way under certain circumstances. How else can one explain the obvious flouting of child labour laws in their employment of Roo.

Gopher is a jerk. No big scandals, but he's forever taking the other characters' parking spots in the D*sney lot, and according to rumour he leaves the toilet seat up on purpose.

And finally, Christopher Robin is actually Dan Quayle. He was found late one night wandering aimlessly around D*sneyland after the park had closed, muttering something about "you say potato, I say potatoe, let's call the whole thing off", and the corporation decided to put him to work.

I can't wait for Oliver Stone to get his mitts on this one...